Monday, January 5, 2009

Are you coming to my gym?

Okay you resolutioners........fatties............newcomers to the gym listen up.

I realize and understand that once a year the gym gets a little extra crowded with all you chubby new members looking to keep your resolutions to lose weight. I don't mind. I really don't. We know most of you will disappear again in a few short weeks and we'll get the gym back. We were all new once and some of us were even overweight when we got there but I can't help but make a few observations.

1. Don't try to pretend like you just came over from some other gym. I can tell just by the look of you with your 1980's workout gear and your fat gut and large ass that you haven't seen a gym since Flashdance. If you wanted to pull that off you should have joined in October, not January.

2. Leave your cell phone in the car or locker. Nobody wants to hear you call your friends so you can say something cool like, "Yea, you caught me at the gym.....I'm on the stairmaster right now and oh god, I can feel the burn in my quads"

3. You don't need makeup and for God's sake forget the strong perfume. If you do it right you will sweat and stink by the time you are done. I swear to God everytime I ran past this lady yesterday I could smell her perfume coming and going.

4. Wipe down the equipment when you are done.....yes, all of it you gross bastard.

5. When on the running track slower people stay on the inside and I promise for now at least you ARE the slower people. Also, don't run or walk 4 wide with your friends and family on a 4 lane track.

6. Don't try to bring your kids into the gym with you. The rules say no kids for a reason. Put them in the provided daycare. We go there in part to get away from our kids AND yours.

7. Don't wear tight workout clothes unless you CAN. If you aren't sure, you can't.

8. Guys, don't come looking for a hook up or a date. That is so lame and so easy to pick out. I'm not sure but I don't think most of the women there think they are looking their best right then anyway.

9. Basically, if you could just mind your own business and leave me alone that would be great. With kids and a busy schedule, I'm there to get an hour and half workout done in 50 minutes before I have to pick up my kids so I'm on a mission. I'll give you a half smile or maybe a "hey" but that doesn't mean I have time to chat. I know most of you don't belong to a country club but I do and I'm telling you the gym isn't a country club. I hope you understand.

10. Do.....keep coming. Aw....this the supportive me. Ask STAFF people for help. Take advantage of any orientations or intro classes they offer. I don't care what anybody tells you hear me tell you can't exercise your way to being thin if you don't eat right. Running one mile run is basically burning a 100 calories. Do the math. That Classic Cinnabon you grabbed at the airport for $2.50 was 670 calories. You have to burn more than you take in....which do you have more time for these days? Sucks but true. You know that skinny girl you saw out this weekend eating 4 slices of pizza and drinking a pitcher of beer? She didn't eat a thing all f&#king day before that and probably didn't eat the next day either AND she went to the gym twice.

Why do I feel like they are shooting the new season of the Biggest Loser at my gym? I just read that body hair is making a comeback for guys because of that Hugh Jackman dude. What? I just got it all lasered off. I'm always behind the trends. Crap, how do I get it back?

Don't expect to see this at the gym. It is fleeting and rare. I'm not sure where they work out but it isn't at my gym. It is probably a good thing because nothing would get done ......

Good luck and the hotter you look the more I enjoy looking at you! See you at the gym.


Kansas Sity Sinic said...

This is probably your funniest post!

My favorite people are the ones who declined the orientation session and try to use the circuit weights on their own.

Dumb dumb.

Oh, and the clothes that don't fit---more than likely they're dryfit material. Dryfit is not made for big people. At all. It shows every wobbly bit. MY EYES MY!! EYES!!!

JustCara said...

I wish there was a gym (or gym time period, like Adult Swim) where only fatties like me can come. I see some hot woman two treadmills down from mine, looking impossibly good thanks to hard work, good genes, and let's face it - an eating disorder - and I give up after a week.

Richard Simmons was a homo on Extacy before being a homo on Extacy was cool, but damn it he didn't actually make me feel like a human being when I waddled my way to working out.

jocosob said...

Hot chicks at gyms = Muslims in line to sit on Santas lap.

Anonymous said...

Oh SOJOCO-I am laughing my ass off right now...oh wait I am laughing hard but my legde butt is still there. Man you are frickin funny. I love a good laugh. When I do laugh at your blog sometimes I piss myself...incontinent and obese!! NO 2009 losing weight resolution for me here in WI. Actually, my goal is to see just how large I can get...okay not really. Maybe I will pursue the bladder control thing though. Jayne

JOCOeveryman said...

Laughing burns calories too Jayne. Glad you liked it. By the way, Kansas City had the largest Buddy Walk in the world this year.......did you know that?

Bill the Painter said...

Thanks for the picture of the fat "lady". If it weren't for her feet, I wouldn't know if she was coming or going!

I'm not a gym guy, but I'm sure I'd feel your pain.

JOCOeveryman said...

The fattest people in the world hang out at my gym. It makes us all look better......