Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Free Email Education for JOCO MILFs. 10 Rules.

Backstory: I'm involved in a little volunteer work and I get the pleasure of dealing with, ur, er I mean working with quite a few of south Johnson County's finest stay at home MILFs. They show up to meetings with I Phones, I Pads, laptops....any and all the best technology known to man. They are BIG on Apple products.

Today.......I've decided to offer my corporately challenged little hotties some free education on something very simple. Email. Jocoeveryman's 10 tips for better email.

Please read and follow the following rules for email and I'll love to work with you as much as I enjoy watching you suck down a cookie, a bagel and a grande mochaccino while still staying a size zero. Quite impressive.

1. Ask 3 friends and your husband before you even think about using the "reply all" button. When the soccer coach sends out an email asking who is going to be at practice I don't give a flying fuck that your little one has a conflict with a study session for the spelling bee. Save it for the coach not the whole team.

2. Don't forward me articles about what causes cancer and obesity in kids. First, I already know that the answer is EVERYTHING and second I have Google too. Same goes for jokes and chain letters. Snopes everything before you even consider forwarding it.

3. No meetings on email. Sounds efficient but it is a disaster. Debates on email always end badly and everyone has to read all of it.......all the way down each time to make sure they didn't miss anything.

4. Learn to write a fucking email. I know you were the best beat reporter in the history of whatever Shawnee Mission High School you attended but I'm not interested in reading your Opus of an email. Remember the 5 "W"s? Well, today us in the business world smart people use ABC. Sure, it is okay to start out with something nice and warm but then learn this template and follow it more closely than you follow Dr. Atkins. A better WRITTEN email will get a BETTER response.

A. Action Requested: The reason why your email is so
important. What do you want?
B. Background: Bullet point the information needed for a good
response. Clear, CONCISE, and relevant.
C. Close: Next Steps needed and niceties and I don't want to
get crazy here include an auto -signature or at least your contact info.

5. Put something in your subject line that gives me freaking clue what you want and when you want it before I have to open it. Example: " XYZ Board Reports *Due Friday at Noon*". Instead I usually get something like: "One thing I forgot about Friday's meeting.....". And then of course 20 responses that look like this, "RE:RE:RE:RE:One thing I forgot about Friday's meeting" and it says....."Don't you remember, I told you Wendy was giving it to you and I copied her on this email by the way about what we talked about at the coffee shop you are totally right......."

6. Use an auto signature. When I need to call you about your vague email it is so nice to have your phone number under your name so I don't have to look it up. For us Blackberry users we can just scroll over the number and press enter and it will dial it for us.

7. Don't use distribution lists inappropriately. So you have a distribution list that is 40 people deep who are involved in said organization and you know not all of them need the email but you are too lazy to take out the people who don't need it so you start out your email something like this, "Sorry to all you on this distribution list who aren't interested but I wanted to get something out on the year end thing-a-ma-bob. Just ignore if you aren't involved." First of all, your laziness and inconsideration just caused the 20 unintended people to waste their time. All 20 had to open it and read it. Not to mention all the "reply all's" that will follow. Think about how long it takes to open and read an email.

8. Don't expect a response in 2 minutes. WTF? "I sent you an email quite awhile ago (2 minutes) and was really wanting a timely response" Don't assume the rest of us are sitting at a coffee shop just waiting for your email. I think 24 hours is a reasonable starting point but don't freak out if it is a little longer. Remember snail mail?

9. Pass this on to your other MILFy friends. Keep in mind that while email may still be pretty cool to you it is like a 5,000 lb anchor shackled around the neck of anyone who has real job. We get sometimes 100's per day and everyone you add makes me hate you more. This really is one that they can use and then it is from that asshole jocoeveryman and not from you.

10. Because there really needed to be 10.......Do you even need to send that email? Could it be handled just as quick with a phone call? I had a girl who worked for me once who showed me her list of people she needed to email with angst.........."I'm so busy". We quickly figured out that about 75% of them could be called more quickly and I asked to sit down and do it. She had them all knocked out in 10 minutes.......not to mention if she had just done it from the car (with a hands free bluetooth of course).

Questions? Email

1 comment:

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