Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Untitled

You know when you go through difficult times it for me at least helps me see empathize and see the pain and humanity in others. I guess that might be one of the few benefits of going through pain yourself. Through it I at least attempt to glean insight that many of us are dealing with situations perhaps privately and we don't put it all out there. It is just working in our background even while we are working on something else. Some do. I mean there are the drama kings and queens who almost need to share pain and trouble with everyone around them so they can get attention but most of us aren't like that. I'm guessing that most of us are dealing with something aren't we?

It seems interesting to me because I have this awareness that while there are difficulties I understand the significance of them in how they are instructional in my life and how they are shaping me even as I write this post. I always thought that if or when I would have to go through life's most difficult issues I would lose myself in the moment and then evaluate it and learn from it later. It kinda goes all together for me if that makes sense.

It is not like there haven't been other serious challenges, we all have them, but this seems different. I'm trying to articulate this awareness where it seems I get how I get this chance to grow in this difficult time. I'm humbled that I get to be of service to someone else who needs me in a way that I would have always thought would have been incredibly uncomfortable. It seems weird. It is like an honor. I always wondered what people meant when they say they "are humbled" in some honor but tonight I can say I do understand. You understand the incredible responsibility and accept it all the while you feel you aren't fully equipped or talented enough to succeed. But you know you will because you have to get it right.

I know I'm rambling and trust me I'm sober and I'm purposefully not giving all the details. I don't actually think the details are important. I think it is interesting how people are kind enough to ask how things are and you know they ask because they care but you really don't want or need them to ask. Talking about it for me doesn't seem to help. It would if there was something actionable but there isn't.

I live with a solid measure of faith. I'm sitting here at 1:30 AM waiting because that is what I'm needed to do tonight. He doesn't want to be alone and that is fair enough. I've prayed but I've been careful to not ask for specifically for healing. See, for some reason the way I work it out in my head is that God's will is perfect and it is His alone. If you believe have to accept that there are other purposes and things we can't comprehend at this moment but that it all works together for good and that doesn't make it fair or unfair. We don't talk about the end because that means he has given up. He still wants to fight. Sometimes I think it would be better if we faced the reality that this one doesn't end the way we want. I have accepted it but my mother hasn't so we don't discuss it.

He is in incredible pain but he retains unbelievable dignity and grace. Truly, what an amazing example. What a fighter. He'll hardly ever admit he doesn't feel fine. The most you might get is he'll say, "I've felt better" or maybe, "not as good today". I've never heard him complain or say it isn't fair. Not once.

I'm writing and I know this is out of character for me in this blog because I guess I just wanted to get some thoughts down. Believe it or not I write posts and I never hit the "publish" button and they just sit there. I'm not sure if this will be one of those or not yet. It feels like I'm able to slow down the game of life and in a way they become there is more clarity. I see it as apart of this learning process.

What am I learning you might be asking? I don't know but I guess I'm learning to be more in tune with people around me and more understanding maybe?? More genuine? Certainly more patient. Definitely that everyone is probably dealing with something that I'm not aware.

I've never admitted this to anyone but I cry when I drive and sometimes when I run or go for a bike ride. This started for me about 5 years ago when my son was born and he had some difficulties and we didn't know how it would work out or what it would mean for us as a family. Still to this day if I hear a certain song or think of him I will cry when I'm driving/running/biking. Now, in this current situation, I cry quite a bit when I drive or run and I guess it is because it is some of the only extended time I get alone and I get a chance to think. Isn't that interesting?

It is quite late but I'm not really tired. I know I need to grab some sleep. I know I'll regret it if I don't. I'm gonna hit the "publish" button and post this rambling mess. I guess I can always take it down if I don't like it in the morning. Thanks for reading......sorry it is such a mess.

5 comments:

Dave said...

I don't know what cross you carry right now, but I will say a prayer for you and your family that it not be heavier than you can bear.

I Travel for JOOLS said...

After my husband died I had the intense need to express my grief. Of course I had real people I could talk to, caring people, but that's not what I mean. I needed to express myself in another way, a way that really let me expose my deepest pain, my need to find peace. At the time I wasn't into blogging and so I wrote a short story about what I had gone through. I submitted it for publication, not for the money or any prize, but somehow I must have thought that if it was accepted, it would validate my need to have that "someone" or "something" understand what I was going through. Or, put another way, I felt like something horrible was gripping my insides and I had to get it out!

So, while I may not understand the circumstances of which you were writing last night, I do understand your need to "get it out". I was there with you. I was listening. I felt your pain. I understand.

May said...

Totally know what you are talking about...ish. The general idea anyway. I tend to cry when I'm on my own as well, mostly I think just because I can and don't feel able to around other people. Thanks for sharing.

JOCOeveryman said...

Thanks Dave....I truly believe He only gives us what we can handle and thanks for the prayers and that is actually pretty cool if you think about it.

Travel.....thanks for commenting. Clearly you understand. Very kind of you to take the time to share. Nothing like an anonymous blog.

May....thank you....so it isn't just me? Nice to know.

Anonymous said...

I got a lump in my throat on my drive home today- and really for no good reason. It is refreshing to read about another dimension of your personality... if only my husband would take the time to cry. My 8yr. old told me that all day today he felt like crying but knew he couldn't at school for fear of being made fun of..
what a shame.
I really like your post.
GOD Bless from your WI reader