Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Batteries Suck

As a parent during the holiday season I've heard the cry for batteries too often this week. Jesus. Stop already with the batteries. Seriously, I bought like $80 in batteries to power all the crap under the tree. You have to plan battery purchases that go along with gift purchases and for one present I bought $8 worth of "D" batteries for a $20 toy. I can only hope some of these toys break or the kids get sick of them before I have buy more.

It is easy to fall on the whole "hug the world" and be green thingy when talking about the wasteful and polluting nature of batteries but that really isn't the angle I'm running at today. Of course used up batteries should be recycled.......and I know all you people in SOJOCO are doing that, right?

Batteries are ass expensive and the way kids leave things on they really don't last very long either.

Why design something to use batteries that doesn't need to be portable? Many of the things could just as easily be plugged in and you wouldn't have to worry about if the batteries are any good when they want to play with it.

Why? My theory is simple economics. I think it is a lot cheaper to put an empty battery compartment on a toy than to design it with a transformer/power supply and electrical cord. Cheap bastards.

You have to keep buying them................forever.

Optional Reading: Political and Cynical Freeflow of Jocoeveryman's mind:

Continue reading if you are bored.................................

So I envisioned some effed up liberal, socialist, tree hugger having the same epiphany on Christmas Eve and deciding there needs to be government solution to this problem. So he thinks.......

Solution 1. Ban Batteries. They are poisoning the world. Make kids play with wooden toys. Um...nope....that would mean cutting down a tree and we all know Mother Nature cries every time a tree is cut down. Crap, we need a hybrid car exemption as well. Lots of exemptions needed but that means more government to regulate it..........yes!

Solution B. Require special notice be put on toys requiring batteries. It might look something like this........."Warning: This product requires the unnecessary use of batteries due to poor design that will initially cost you 10% of the cost of the product. Estimated lifetime cost of batteries for this product is $928.54".

Solution C. Highly Tax Batteries. By taxing batteries we could get more money in the government and discourage the use of them. You could get tax credits for batteries for critical things like flashlights, emergency radios, and the rabbit. Poor people get battery vouchers.

Solution 4. Tax evil corporations that design toys with batteries that don't need them. This is a great idea in which we could make a "Battery Czar" that could force companies to redesign toys to be battery-less. Money from tax is used to pay for battery vouchers for the poor.

Solution 4A. Ban Toys. Fund a study that shows that most batteries are used in toys. Ban Toys to reduce battery use. Create special exemptions for "educational toys" and toys that don't use batteries but aren't made of wood or plastic. Create "Toy Czar" that can determine which toys need to be made and to make sure they are politically correct. No toy guns would be allowed.

Final Solution. Ban Kids. Create "Kid Czar" that determines which adults can have kids but leave remove to get rid of kids that don't love Mother Earth enough post utero.
Well anyway......Hope you all are ramping up some sweet New Year's plans.


C said...

Solution to Solution 3: Hitachi Wand

Anonymous said...

Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!

JOCOeveryman said...

Thanks I appreciate that very much. I'll try.