Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Why McLatte is wrong.

I remember when they were test marketing this stuff and I simply said I don't trust it because with McDonalds you really don't have any effing idea what is really in it. I'm ranting about McDon't-alds......ahem.....so called McCafe.....coffee bar and those people they call Baristas that push the buttons on the machine.

I remember when they were giving free lattes just to get you to try it. I'm going through the drive through and Juanita says not would you like to try a free latte but here is your free latte as I rolled down my window. I said, "No, thanks......I don't want one" to which she replied, "It is free, take it".

I again politely rebuffed her most generous offer like a twenty something college hottie being asked by a zit faced high schooler to the prom but she said....."please, I'm really suppose to get everyone to take one of these". So, being the benevolent sojoco'er that I am I take it and what the hell......I'll taste it and maybe be pleasantly surprised. WRONG. Horrible. Thin. Watery. Sweet. Artificial. Bad. How can espresso and milk get screwed up?


Fast forward to this weekend. My mother AWESOMELY arrives at my son's game to what is going to be a horribly boring hour and a half (I am a JOCO parent who can actually admit this and that I'd rather be someplace, almost anyplace else) with a fistful of McSomething or anothers. She starts handing them out. Do these look like actual coffee drinks or something created in an evil McDonald's lab in Oak Brook, Illinois????



"Here", she says, "I got you guys Iced Lattes".


Like I said to the little drive through gal, "No, thanks", holding up my cup of bourbon carefully hidden in an insulated cup....."brought something to drink". Nothing like a Sunday afternoon half pint of Maker's Mark, right?


She hands them out and explains how she'd never had an iced latte before but wow, she liked these. It looks like barely dirty milk. I take a taste. So sweet.



I tell her, "You've still never had an iced latte". WTF.

Calling that an iced latte is like saying Andre Cold Duck is real champagne. Not only is it wrong but it a disservice to real coffee. Yes, like a wine snob I am a coffee snob. Deal. I thought most JOCO people were too. Maybe not.


I'm digressing but I have two standard Starbucks orders depending on the weather, time of day, and my mood.








First, a Venti skinny latte with an extra shot. Translation for Wyandotte County: The biggest cup you have latte made with skim milk and 3 shots of espresso. 4 shots if you get it iced.




Second: Very simple pleasure. Venti Iced Coffee leave a little room at the top. Translation (against as service to the Wyandotte people reading): Biggest cup they have filled with ice and regular coffee that was brewed double strong and previously cooled to room temperature and then put in the fridge. Then...not filled all the way full so milk can be added. I do this because I want such a scant little drizzle of skim milk added that almost anybody else would put too much. Friends the coffee must be made ahead and cooled. I went to an upstart little coffee shop in Olathe where the cute lady looked at me with a funny look and proceeded to pour hot coffee over a cup of ice......coffee foul.


Seriously McDon't-alds.....what IS in it? That crap is as fake a Joan Rivers face. As fake as Dennis Moore's Blue Dog Democrat membership card. As fake as the telephone number I gave to an old high school classmate I saw this weekend. Do you have to ruin every thing that is good and pure in this world for your own evil purposes? You know what? I guess if keeps other people fatter than me it only makes me look better by comparison, eh? And as a bonus, if it keeps the Starbucks line a little shorter.....all the better. BO. NUS. Further, if you can't order it the way you want it with what you want in it then it is of no use as far as coffee drinks go........NO....McDon't-alds girl....I don't care what your name tag says.....you are not a Barista! Just two weeks ago you were promoted to fries and before that you were wiping child puke and shit off the chairs and booths. Week three on the job doesn't make you a Barista.












Enjoy.

21 comments:

Anonymous said...

Juanita!?!? Okay, I am done reading ur blog. Ur really a jerk off

I Travel for JOOLS said...

Your rant made me think of Pachamamas in Lawrence. When we were there a few weeks ago, the bartender was making a latte that really looked good but I was having wine, so passed on it. By the way, if you haven't eaten there, it is a must go to place. Their food is outstanding and I like the atmosphere. And, they have wine tasting nites, too.

Here's a link:

http://www.pachamamas.com/

JOCOeveryman said...

What's wrong with Juanita? Do you know her?

Anonymous said...

Crap Everydude, that means you might only have one reader left.

JOCOeveryman said...

True......all bloggers like readers and like comments (even negative one) but I'll admit this blog isn't for everyone, especially those with a thin skin. I refer to women as chicas all the time on the blog and I wrote about how great an experience I had at the Hispanic Chamber of Commerce dinner when the easy, gratuitous, conservative play would have been the "what if we had a white chamber of commerce" post. Whatever, I would think my consistently objectifying women by the pictures I post would be much more offensive....

But, if it makes the Anon reader feel any better I'll apologize (that I noticed) that pretty much everytime I go through the drive thru in Olathe at 135th and Parker there is a hispanic working the window....and they hand me the crap, cancer causing food perfectly without flaw.

Whatever.

JOCOeveryman said...

JOOLS...I've heard that is a good place. I don't get to Lawrence nearly as often as I'd like but I'll try to go.

Old Fart said...

I love how anonymous commentors think their indignation really means a damn thing.

I don't like what you think, so I am not gonna read your blog... blah blah blah.

I don't apologize to them.. I show them the door.

But I'm guessing that your commentor hasn't ever read TKC.

Anonymous said...

HEY JE- it's your big fat, white honky bitch reader from WI, and BADADADADA, "I'm lovin' it" (your blog, that is!) The more offensive the better. I have thick skin and a sense of humor. It takes a helluva alot more than this to penetrate my 30% bmi.
I agree that McDonald's needs to stick to fries, but I can swigg down their coffee in a bind, remember, there is no Starbucks in Mayberry, so I have to settle. It does not mean that I am unrefined, even though I am, but you are still my cyber pal---Yeah!
JY in WI

JOCOeveryman said...

GOF....ha ha ha....so true. I guess if I just called everything racist like TKC.

Jayne....30 BMI....that is funny. I doubt it but it is funny. Further, I absolutely choke down good old Mickey D's black when my kids make me take them for breakfast. Thank you both for reading....and commenting.

Anonymous said...

ummmmmmmmmmm dont act like u know her name is juanita. it was racist and rude. ur anon so i will be too.

did i mention im hispanic as well?

i have "thick" skin but that was uncalled for

Anonymous said...

Wow these people are easily offended. The beauty of your blog being anonymous is you can say things the rest of us can not. Or at least we can't if we want to be popular with the public. I am not a coffee drinker so have no opinion on the subject.

JOCOeveryman said...

I don't have a problem w/u commenting Anon....not at all. You are welcome anytime. I always reserve the right to not approve a comment but that hasn't happened yet. Even being called a jerk off works.

On the topic of being thin skinned....suggesting I knew her was a JOKE. Duh....you are hispanic, really?

Please explain to me why it is racist and rude.

Do you look down on people who work at McDonalds? Are you an elitist who looks down on people in the service industry? You made that connection not me. Or am I a racist because I dare noticed she was hispanic? I don't understand. I'm a racist for noticing somebody's race? So, to you my comment means that because I noticed her race I think she has less value and less potential for individual achievement because of her race? Noticing race doesn't make you a racist. By the way.....I've talked to the manager at that McDonalds (mixed up order) at 135th and Parker....very nice woman....she is hispanic too.....OMG....I did it a again....

Anonymous said...

u referred to her as "juanita" indicating she was hispanic.
im hispanic and my name is melissa and when i was in hs i worked at wendys. dont go feeling proud of urself bc u treated the manager respectfully. ur comment is no different than calling the lawn boy "carlos" or an african american "jerome".

nothing i commented on would lead someone to think i look down on the service industry. i stand by my first comment: jerk off

JOCOeveryman said...

I think you made the connection, not me. Except I didn't comment on a lawn service worker or some black person, btw my uncle was Jerome and he is white, names don't mean much. You are the one making a big deal out of names. I commented on coffee and my comments had nothing to do with anyone's race.....yours did.....and I have not called you any names like jerk off. I tolerated it a couple times (I guess one more than I should have) but if you persist I'll stop putting your comments up. Capish?

Somebody....you.....is way too sensitive. Oh, thought you were done reading the blog? When does that start? I'm enjoying your comments but jus lemme know.

JOCOeveryman said...

Oh no, did I malign Italians by using the word Capish?

Bill the Painter said...

Find a McDonalds that DOESN'T have a hispanic working the drive thru window! I really don't care where they are from....just get my order right! 99% of the time they do.

Did you know many McDonalds now outsource their drive through order takers?

I love Hispanic people, I have several that work for me and most of them work their asses off. Better than many Americans.

Take offense if you like, comment if it makes you feel better. Remember, not everything is about YOU!

Anonymous said...

Hey, is calling a white person "Cracker" a bad thing? I think I read that on some urban dictionary website. Well, I just wanted to comment one more time so your blog ratings would increase...isn't it sweeps week for bloggers?
I like crackers with cheese, but then again, I am in the dairy state. I really do have 30% bmi.
JY

JOCOeveryman said...

Cracker, gringo...whatever works. 30 BMI at our age is pretty damn good I think....isn't it?

Anonymous said...

yea, if I was 7ft tall
:o) JY

JOCOeveryman said...

I think it is blogger sweeps week....so thanks for that. You are funny Jayne. You should have your own blog. Cheese Curds?

JOCOeveryman said...

By the way.....I am not anonymous....I am JOCOEVERYMAN!!!! ha ha ha....I crack myself up sometimes.